My muse has been on vacation...shopping...with my credit card.

I've been stuck. Mired, bogged and frustrated. My elusive muse has not made herself available to me since my first post to this blog flowed so easily, and god, how I have tried to find the damned woman, to no avail.

I've been wanting to write for a long time and have discovered that no matter how many times I've tried, that I'm a terrible journal-keeper. I'm too much of a procrastinator to keep up with anything like that. But the urge to write has been building over time and could no longer be put off, so I thought, "Well now, if I did a blog and actually told people about it so they'd go and read the damn thing, then I'd have to keep it up!" A little pressure would be good for me, or so I thought since I have known pretty much my whole life that I need some pushing to get certain things done.

Great idea except that once I actually did tell people to come read my blog, nothing I've written made it past the (very rough) draft stage. All I had managed had been bits and pieces of things. It all sounded sophomoric, contrived and like I'm trying so damn hard. I have been feeling the pressure to perform, to be incredibly talented and impress everyone. Well, with that kind of expectation thickly swimming overhead, why on earth would any self-respecting and encouraging muse come back?

So here I am, realizing that I've just learned a great big "thing" and well, whaddya know, suddenly here's my adorable muse perched on my shoulder, lounging about, smirking and filing her nails. I have a very girly muse for being such a tomboy. Next thing I know, she'll be putting on her makeup and suggesting I might want to go see someone about my hair and can't I just at least once try on a dress? Yeah, yeah, whatever.

She's not real subtle.

Excuse me, but isn't your job to help me write stuff? And besides, I've already got a mother, thankyouverymuch.

I had a great talk today with my dear and wise friend, Shawn, who helped me see a lot that I've not been dealing with. My procrastination runs rampant when I get overwhelmed, and I'd much rather lose myself in a good book or feed my current addiction to Youtube (my GOD, I'm fascinated; it's like a People magazine version of reality TV for me). So much easier to not face the annoyingly relentless emotions and my own whiny child ("I don't wanna do it! You can't make me!"), simply shutter my eyes and heart and avoid the unpleasant voices of fear, doubt and hesitancy.

After nearly 19 years of AA (paying attention pretty much the whole time), I've learned a few things about myself and I know I like to avoid the crappy stuff. I've been a truly excellent procrastinator just about my whole life. I know that I'm certainly not alone in that. Can't really put that on a resume, though, can I? Nope. What I need to do is simple, but I'm just so good at complicating things. (I'm not alone in that little activity, either, now am I? Didn't think so). I need to take a good look inside and face my self and all her little snarky sisters.

And I need to write it out to do it. So that's what I'm going to do. Write...and post it here.

I'm not promising a damn thing except to be honest, open and to keep writing. If you read it, and have an opinion, go for it. If not, that's fine, too. If you don't read it ever again, well, I'll never know, but I'll keep writing as if you are. That's what I've realized I need to do for myself, and this is about self-love and self-awareness; I have learned what a difference that is from being selfish. That was a hard one to learn, but I've got it now.

So that's what's been on my mind for the past week, and today's talk opened doors for me that I needed to open. Even if just a little bit, letting in a few inches of slivered light upon the floor of my spirit. That's enough. The doors are opening, my muse is giggling her light, sweet giggle into my right ear and tickling my neck with her hair (I see that it's blonde!), and I'm ready to discover the things I need to say.

Until next time, find serenity however you do and check back here for more of what I've been thinking!

Namaste,
~ Julie