Resentment or gratitude, my choice

"Vacation, all I ever wanted...Vacation, had to get away..."

That lyric is from the Go-Go's song, "Vacation," and exactly what I'd love to be doing right now, going on vacation. Actually, that's what I was supposed to be doing at this precise moment, but that trip was cancelled suddenly, so I'm struggling with that noxious attitude smacker, resentment, which has arisen from being really disappointed.

Sigh. Being human is just so uncomfortable sometimes, ya know?

I was really looking forward to this holiday: a trip up to the Grand Canyon, then a day and night in Sedona on the way back down, returning on Saturday. And to make it even better, it was all being paid for by a friend as an early birthday present, and with me being unemployed, that was a wonderful gift, indeed! If all had gone as planned, I'd be in Phoenix right now, tucking in for the night as we were to leave early tomorrow morning for the drive up, about a 6-hour trip, possibly just a bit longer as we were headed to the North Rim, the lesser-visited area of the canyon.

This has been planned for months, and I'd been researching the history and stories of the areas, looking at gorgeous pictures and exitedly planning my part in the adventure, leaving plenty of room for my love of spontaneous decisions and unplanned surprises. This was something I'd wanted to see since I was a kid.

So out of the blue, the friend cancelled the trip and I got mad. I feel like whining, "But I wanted to go to the Grand Canyon, dammit!" Not very adult of me, but jeez, it's too hard to not have expectations and therefore not be disappointed. I am disappointed! I really wanted to go and see something I've wanted to see all my life as well as get away. Being unemployed hasn't been easy, and I've gone through a few job disappointments, too, so this was like not just losing out on the last piece of chocolate cake, but being told there weren't going to be any more chocolate cakes ever again (yes, I can be a drama queen, especially when it comes to chocolate).

Well, those disappoinments in life just serve to remind me that I'm human and what I do have to be grateful for right NOW is what I need to be focusing on, not something that hasn't happened yet nor may ever. Being disappointed is normal and yeah, it feels crappy. I need to remember to be thankful for the roof over my head (whose leaks were fixed this morning), the food in my kitchen (which is healthy and fresh and nourishing even if I'd rather have chocolate cake), the car that drives just fine (even without the air conditioner, and in fact, now gets much better gas mileage), the unemployment check that comes every week (though it's small, it's enough for now if I'm frugal) and the love of family and friends.

Disappointment can stick in my craw like tar and be a kind of poison for my attitude or it can dissipate with my reviewing what I do have today for which I am very grateful. I tell you what, if you've never done a gratitude list, give it a try and see if you don't feel better after you've written it. It works every time!

OK, now that I've chilled out about the trip and realized what I'm grateful for right this minute, I think it's time to crawl into that wonderful bed I love to relax in and read another few chapters before I hit the light.

Gratitude and awareness are gifts that are always right there if I want them. It's indeed my choice, every time. So I'm exercising my choice to feel better and will catch up with you another day.

I think I need a mug of peppermint tea to go with that book now...