Sobriety and nocturnal habits

I stayed up last night until 6:00 a.m. to finish a book I was reading, and boy, did I pay the price all day in that I was pretty damn tired. I stayed up until it was light, the birds were hollering and the newspaper guy had already been around the neighborhood and tossed my plastic-wrapped paper into the cactus. He does that sometimes.

Obviously, it was a great book for me, but holy cow, I haven't stayed up all night long since before I quit drinking, which God willin' and the crik don't rise (and in Tucson, that's a pretty appropo quote right now during our Monsoon season), will be 19 years on August 5th. Given that now all of the creeks really are creeks and not the dried-up washes that they are during the rest of the year, I hope that's not an omen, because I plan on making this anniversary just like I've made every other one before it: one day at a time and with the help of people who've gone before me.

I'm stubborn. We all are, really, as humans, and we like to complicate things. "Simple" is a concept that just doesn't seem to set well with us; we've got to think and plot and re-think and work a situation until it keeps us up at night instead of trusting that all is as it should be, even if it feels like it's impossibly hard. We keep forgetting that we've always made it through whatever in our past was equally and even more difficult, and that hey, look, we're still here and hanging in there.

In fact, we're stronger than we were and have learned more, if we've been paying attention, that is. But some of us (and we alcoholics are great at this, no matter how much recovery time we might have under our proverbial belts) just can't seem to grasp the "it's-really-OK" thing and get stuck in our all-too familiar worry rut.

I've been struggling lately with a number of situations that just seem to, well, I'll just say it: suck. Not very eloquent I'm afraid, but it sure gets the feeling across for me today! I've had a number of disappointments that have felt huge to me, and I'm constantly worrying about when I'm going to get another job as the money is dwindling fast. These things do keep me awake and as a result, I try to distract myself with books and hopping online to prowl the internet, write to friends and well, it is 1:12 in the morning and here I am, doing this blog.

I have been incredibly blessed with what my sobriety has given me. My life is unquestionably better. I do know peace and do feel serene, even if not all of the time. I probably need to go to more meetings, and that's a fact, since I'm still stuck on some things. They help me have a better attitude and allow me to release stressors, those really annoying buggers that have been keeping me up at night. I've been going to AA since August 5th, 1988. I never in a million years thought I'd quit drinking much less actually be sober for so long.

But it's really just one day at a time (yeah, I know it's a cliche, but that's where bumper stickers come from and I love those, so hey, that's me). I need to keep in mind that all I ever will have is the day I'm presently in, the moment I'm currently living through. I can't make the future better right this minute and I can't go back and change anything in the past; I can only be in the present.

So, that said, it's time to get off of here and hit the sack. I really loved that book, "Good In Bed" (by Jennifer Weiner, whose second book, "In Her Shoes," was made into a great movie of the same name starring one of my alltime favorite actresses, Toni Colette). I thoroughly enjoyed the fact that I just had to finish it, I had to keep turning those pages. I get a certain bibliophile's high when a book grabs me that hard and keeps me absorbed to that extent.

And sure, I loved the distraction from my head full of concerns, but you know what? If it made me realize how amazing it is to have this sobriety in such a roundabout way, well then, it was completely worth being exhausted today. I never want to forget or take my sobriety for granted, but I'm human and sure enough, taking things for granted is what we humans tend do so well.

I'm thinking I need to get to the library for that other book. But not tonight. Tonight I'll hit the light and drop off to sleep comforted by my awareness of the sober day that I had. Hmm, life is good.